I feel my best when I'm happy

It's been almost a month since I've last posted. Reasons being that my life is pretty boring, and that I only seem to have things to write about when I'm depressed, which I haven't been. =)

(I actually got this fortune on one of our very first dates.)

Alex and I have been dating for a month now, and it's been the best. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy, confident, thankful, accepted, optimistic, and appreciated. Each day we spend together is like a new adventure; learning new things about each and about life, growing closer with each touch. It's only the beginning, but I'm hopeful this is only the first chapter of an exceptionally long story of us.

In other news. Still no luck on the job front. It's kind of discouraging but I'm trying not to let that bring me down. I'm highly optimistic that, for some reason, this is how it's suppose to be. I mean I can survive another couple months on ramen noodles and PB&J. =)

Weight Watchers news. I'm still losing weight, but slowly, definitely not as fast as I was before. I've been going to the gym three to four times a week; working on my cardio and lifting weights. I don't like it while I'm there, but I feel great afterwards.

I've Got A Good Feeling

So, remember that date I said I was going on? Well, I did and had a great time. I think I may have definitely found something with Alex. I'm happy. If you know me, you know that's not something I've really been able to say in awhile. It's usually been, "I'm good." "I'm okay." Guess how I'm feeling now. I Am Happy. =)

Just Keep Swimming

Not too much going on in my life. A few things have happened since I last posted.

I'm down 11 lbs. Woot. =) Hopefull I keep doing what I'm doing, and I keep on losing.

From the suggestion of my friend Katie I joined a online dating website. I've been talking to this guy who seems pretty cool. Anyways, we're going out for pizza this weekend.

I've been kind of worried about my income as I'm going to be out of a job come next week. However, today I got a call about coming in for an interview at Meijer. Not the most glamorous job, but anything for the summer is good with me.

So I have a pretty eventful weekend coming up. Things could go either way. Hopefully it will be a great weekend. I just need to stay positive.

Surrounded By Empty Space

I was all set to write about my weekend; which was a pretty good one. However, it seems pointless.

Recently, today recently, I was over taken by this unshakeable feeling of lonliness. I feel like I'm always moving, but nothing special happens. Each day is like the day before. I hope that maybe someday I'll outgrow this lonliness, maybe find someone who understands, someone to fill the empty space. Though sometimes being surrounded by people can make me more lonely than when I'm alone. I'll be in this crowd, but unable to trust anyone or talk to anybody. Then I truly feel alone.

“I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”

Reasons Why

1) Family
2) Friends
3) Chocolate Brownies
4) The Scent of Rain
5) Music
6) Starry Nights
7) Traveling
8) Books
9) Sweet Potato Fries
10) A Nice Glass of Wine
11) Laughing
12) Sam
13) Hope; The Belief in The Possibilites of Tomorrow.

These are 13 reasons I want to wake up each morning.

I recently read the book "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. The book is about a girl who commits suicide and, through several tape recordings she made right before killing herself, tells thirteen intertwining stories (reasons) of why she decided to end her life. I definitely recommend it.

After finishing the book, I sat down and wrote some things of my own.

Poem 1

Do you see me
Would you notice if I was gone
Would you wonder what happened
Would you worry if I never returned
Or would you forget all about the girl
The girl who sat alone waiting
Waiting for someone or something
Something that could have saved her
Someone who could still save her

Poem 2

Where are you
The one I'm waiting for
Whoever will save me
I'm stil waiting
Trying to stay positive
Trying to stay strong
But it's getting harder and harder to try

I'm still waiting for you
I believe in time I will find you
Our hearts will find each other
I hold on to hoping
That each day brings us one step closer

Poem 3

Do you know me
You may think you do
You may know me better than others
You may know alot
But you don't know everything
You don't know the secrets that I hide
You don't know about the pain inside
You don't know about the tears I cry
And that sometimes it gets so hard to try

Poem 4

I feel lost, alone
Are you trying to find me
Did you try
Did I just let you pass me by
Did I miss my chance
Miss the opportunity for me and you to become us
Am I now destined to roam forever alone

What about second chances

Overview

How does a quick overview of my life sound? Well here it is anyways.

Work

I'm a Shift Leader at a convient store on a unversity campus. Yep, specific I know. I actually received an email today about how we (employees) shouldn't be writing anything harmful about the company on social media websites. I thought it was funny how on the day I decided to start blogging, is the very same day I received that email. And so we're going to keep things about work semi-vague.

For the most part I have no problem with the job I do, I actually enjoy it most day. Sometimes though I have to deal with ridiculous things, and ridiculous people. For example; one day the freezer decided to stop working, and i had to deal with about 200 pints of melting/melted ice cream. That wasn't a fun night.

Family

Everyone's good. Immediate and extended (as far as I know).
I have two sets of parents: Mom/Stepdad & Dad/Stepmom.
Five Siblings: 2 Brothers, 3 Sisters, 1 Sister-In-Law.
So to say taht everyone is good isa a small victory.

Friends

I have more friends in terms of quality then in quanitiy. Whick is probably best.

There are both pros and cons to this situation. The major pros being that my friends are frickin awesome, and I trust them all wholeheartly. The biggest con though is that I do get lonely. Especially since not one of these friends lives in the same town as me, or as each other. Yes, it's kind of sad. And I know we all get sad about it sometimes, but we make it work. And keeping our friendships strong even over long distances is definitely worth it.

Hobbies

I read alot. (I'm sure I'll discuss some of the things I read). I write a little. (Maybe I'll share some of my writings). I like to volunteer (althoguh I haven't had alot of time for it).

I don't know if you would qualify this as a hobby, but I'm currently doing Weight Watchers. Along with that I've been using my Wii to do dance workouts almost everyday. I've just finished my first month and I've lost about 7.5 lbs.

Last but not least....

Sam

No, Sam is not my boyfriend. He's my cat. I'm so happy to have him. He makes even the most lonely nights bareable. He's so cute and funny. Fact: Today is Sam's 1st Birthday. =)

Well, I didn't think I'd be writing this much, but I did.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully we'll get into some more interesting stuff soon.

My Eyes Are Open

Here I am at the beginning, not sure on how to proceed.

I've never blogged before. Not really anyways. I had xanga back in the day, but I would like to belived that my thoughts and opinions have matured since then. Matured from the pointless ramblings of a fourteen year old girl into the profound thoughts of the women I am today. We'll see.

"Everybody's waiting
Everybody's watching
Even when you're sleeping
Keep your eyes open

A tricky thing
As yesterday we were just children
Playing soldiers
Just pretending
Dreaming dreams with happy endings
In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords
But now we've stepped into a cruel world
Where everybody stands to keep score

Keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown
Everybody's watching to see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping
Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open

So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard
Every lesson forms a new scar
They never thought you'd make it this far
But turn around, they've surrounded you
It's a showdown, and nobody comes to save you now
But you've got something they don't
Yeah you've got something they don't
You've just gotta keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown
Everybody's watching to see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping
Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open

Keep your feet ready
Heartbeat steady
Keep your eyes open
Keep your aim locked
The night goes dark
Keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown
Everybody's watching to see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping

Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open
Keep your eyes open"
-Taylor Swift

If you weren't able to figure it out, this song is where I got the idea for my blog's title.

Sometimes it just feels like everyone's waiting for me to give up, to just breakdown. Life is no longer the fairytale we imagined it would be. It's harder than we imagined. It's full of anger, despair, jealousy, etc. But there is good, there is happiness, and love. But if my eyes are closed to what surrounds me I'll never find anything.

I just need to keep my eyes open. Open to opportunities. Opportunies in career, family, friendships, love, and I have to be willing to fight for them. 

I don't think I was ready to fight  before. I'm ready now.